Well you waited for years to join this syndicate. You thought the wait was well worth it from hearing the stories of all the wackers that have been caught in the past from this very water. You have memorized all the names of each swim and can draw a contour map of the bottom blindfolded. You can recognize each carp from its pictures in the clubhouse and list the name and best weight of each one. You worked your arse off during work parties, always getting the dirtiest job since you are the new guy, but you didn’t mind because one day you know you will get to tell the next new guy to do even more disgusting chores. You have perfected the most scientifically balanced boilie in the world, it has no equal, and though you have only tested it out on lesser carp you just know down in your soul that these carp in your new syndicate water wont be able to get enough of your boilies and will be climbing up on your unhooking mat begging for more. You are ready for your first session, opening day is here, the closed season and work parties are but a distant haunt in the past.
That was all in the beginning of the season. Now that the endless and fishless eternal sessions have piled up one after the other your enthusiasm is drying up like the boilies these smarmy bastard carp completely refuse to eat. You sometimes imagine you hear a screaming run only to realize its one of the other carp fishermen screaming in vain the next swim over. You then hear their sobs drifting through the willows and you vow to yourself never to allow the others hear you cry out in the shame of blanking. You have tried every rig in the book and invented several new ones, often at great risk to yourself and the local fauna. You have given yourself a Charlie horse trying to cast out in the middle of the lake where you thought the carp were hiding from you, only to have them splash you as you knelt beside the shore in your camouflaged suit trying to blend in with a tree so they wouldn’t even see you.
Before you give up and pack it in and take up golf or bass fishing you need to try some little known advanced carp fishing techniques that are guaranteed to land you those wackers and get your name at least mentioned in the clubhouse during the next meeting. There are thousands of articles written every year telling you how to look the part of a competent carp angler but how often have you converted all those hours of pouring thru the carp mags into fish on the bank? You have seen “beginners” luck in action, where the noddy shows up and catches and all the competent carpers laugh at him and cheer him on for having “beginners” luck at the same time wondering why it wasn’t them with all their latest gear who had caught that carp. Have you ever looked at a noddy telling yourself they could never catch a carp let alone a guppy in a pet store with a net only to have them “luckily” yank out what you swear is the dumbest carp in the lake? Their secret is that they don’t know enough yet about how to go about real carping to interfere with their ability to catch a carp. This is what you must tune into to become an expert carper, its strange but true. You can't very well unlearn all those tips and tricks you have stored in the fishing section of your brain at the cost of space that could have helped you at your job, but, by applying advanced carp fishing techniques you can use all your toys and always have “beginners” luck. Avoid the typical modern conventional carpers approach of jumping right to the most advanced techniques, you must learn to perform the basic advanced carp fishing techniques step by step first before reaching the higher levels, or else you might get hurt.
Forget about the fancy camouflage suit, carp always look for the shifty eyes of carpers the world over, and try the dullards-advanced carp fishing technique. You have seen some obvious dunce stomp noisily up to the bank, cast out and immediately hook into one of the biggest wackers in the lake. This was no accident, you just witnessed an advanced carp fishing techniques user pulling one out right from under your supposedly carp fishing knowledgeable nose and they didn’t even have to feed the carp a hundred pounds of boilies to do it. Try this, dress up in the brightest and loudest orange Tee shirt that you can find, top it off with a fluorescent orange safety hat for good luck. Pay absolutely no attention to stealth, just stomp right up to the water and cast out with any old cheap boilie. This is a well known advanced carp fishing technique that fools the wackers every time since they know that only serious carpers use expensive boilies and know how to tie the best rigs. They have learned that they can eat all the cheap boilies that they want and rarely get caught by the incompetent anglers who use them. If the fishing is really slow make a cast splash loudly right at your feet, cast out again and hang on, the carp know they have a live one on shore and will line up to eat your cheap boilies. Another hint is that cheap boilies can be greatly enhanced by letting them set in the boot of your car for a week in the hot sun to dry out.
Another sure fire trick is the upside-down-alarm-switch-advanced carp fishing technique as everyone knows that wackers love to silently spool any carper stupid enough to forget to turn on his alarm. First you have to take your alarms apart and turn the ON switch upside down. Make sure to turn them on before you get to the lake. Then cast out and place your rod on your bite alarm but make a big deal out of not turning it on. This technique eats up a lot of batteries but is well worth the cost. For this technique to work you must control yourself and not constantly test your alarms to make sure they work, carp can hear an alarm going off all the way to the other side of the lake. Also, make sure to turn them down to just a whisper or you will only catch one wacker each session. Its best just to use a piece of aluminium folded over your line as a bite indicator, or even better find a beer tab laying on the ground and use that.
Another ploy that works when the carp get used to the upside down buzzer switch is the forgotten-bankstick-advanced carp fishing technique. Cast out and then make a big show of looking around for your banksticks. Then, in obvious disgust over not finding one, throw your rod down and pretend to look for your bankstick in your bivvy. Carp cant resist the urge to pull in yet another capers expensive rod and reel. Another variation of this scheme, and one more potentially expensive should you fail to pull it off and therefore should be practiced only by experts, is to use the expensive-rod-pod-advanced carp fishing technique. Make sure everything is shiny and new. Cast out and place your expensive new rod (you can buy fake price stickers to put on your regular rod and pod to make them look expensive) on the pod and make a very visible dedicated effort not to set the baitrunner. While carp love to pull in rods they will fight to see which one of them gets to pull in the rods of a rich carper. The trick is to have also turned your baitrunner switches backwards, its best to pay someone else to do this one for you since its nearly impossible to put a baitrunner back together even the wrong way. Dressing in the latest carping fashions greatly improves on this advanced carp fishing technique, especially if you wear your bunny eared bivvy slippers, they are your ace in the hole when it comes to smart carp.
When the carping gets really tough cast out and then pretend you have tangled up the line on your reel employing the tangled-bits-advanced carp fishing technique. If the carp in your syndicate have seen this one before then you need to get extreme. Pretend to tangle your naughty bits in your line. Warning, this is best left to professionals, practice at home first if you must go to this extreme. Everyone knows carp like nothing better than to snatch a boilie while you are untangling your line, especially if there are naughty bits involved. Warning, if you use this technique too often you might be considered someone who enjoys fishing merely to tangle their naughty bits in fishing line and may be asked to leave the syndicate, so be discrete with this advanced carp fishing technique.
When the tangled naughty bits fail you must remember you are participating in a blood sport and the carp feel that this should be a two way street. Be prepared to shed some blood using the boilie-needle-through-the-thumb-advanced carp fishing technique. You may wish to use fake blood in the beginning until you are proficient or if you plan on trying this advanced carp fishing technique many times in one season. Cast out a regular cheap boilie with one rod. Then, pretend to be setting up your second rod. Face the water and make sure the carp can easily see that you are about to try to get a boilie needle through one of your cheap store bought shelf life sun dried boilies. Make a good show of trying to force the needle through the rock hard boilie, this is very important. Then pretend to run the needle right through your thumb, screech as loud as you can and then start jumping around on the shore like a Mexican jumping bean. For beginners its recommended that you use a barbless boilie needle to begin with, and a fake finger can be used in a pinch should your real thumb get sore. Everyone knows a wacker can't refuse a free boilie when the carper is jumping up and down yelling at the top of his lungs with a boilie needle sticking clean through his thumb. If the wackers are suspicious of your performance, jump right into the water and thrash about. Carp know that real carp anglers don’t like to get their feet wet.
If the carp still wont buy your act use the drowning-carper-advanced carp fishing technique. Pretend you can’t swim and start hollering for help. It is well known among wackers that carp anglers wont leave their rods to help a drowning carper, they might get a run while they are away and miss a new personal best. Wackers will swim from one end of the lake to the other to see a carper drown. Just be sure that they can’t see the smirk on your lips as you wait for them to take the bait and run. It might take a few minutes for the carp to come in for the bait, they usually like to wait until they are sure that you have drowned, so practice holding your breath for a long time at home.
When even the experts are baffled for ways to come up with a bite you have to go all the way and use the incontinence-advanced carp fishing technique. Wackers know full well that carp anglers never take a dump while carping fearing they might miss that one bite of the season or that new personal best of a lifetime. Here is how to perform the incontinence approach. First make sure to have a roll of paper in one of your fishing bags, but make sure its tangled up with all of your bits and pieces. Experts have even gone to the extreme and embedded hooks in the roll, big rusty ones that are easy for the wackers to see from 50 meters away. Cast out your boilies (use good ones for this technique) and make certain that the carp see you compulsively leveling your rods, make sure that they get the idea that you are an anal retentive type by actually pulling out a plumb level to make sure your rods are level. Make sure each swinger is exactly even with its neighbor. Make certain that everything in your bivvy is hung up in exactly the correct place. Take great care to center your bedchair equidistant from the butt of each rod. Remember to always face the water while you are doing this so that the carp can see you. As a finishing touch start a spot of tea boiling.
You must keep a straight face while doing any advanced carp fishing technique. After setting the tea to boil pour a cuppa and pretend you are about to enjoy a richly deserved cuppa. Then, suddenly and without regard for your tea cup fling it on the ground and grab your midsection with both hands and squeeze tight. Jump up in the air suddenly and with both hands grab your bum squeezing tightly. Run around in a circle bumping into all of your perfectly set up gear knocking it over and dive for your kit bag and pull out your roll with one hand while still holding onto your bum with the other. Now scurry in an exaggerated monkey-like fashion towards the nearest clump of trees, making certain that the wackers can plainly see the roll and any bits and pieces that would interfere with its use. As we all know, carp can sense intestinal rumblings from miles away and if your performance is worthy they will put your picture holding a wacker on the wall of fame at your local syndicate.