The Three Levels of PETA

There seems to be different levels of PETA radicals. The top level of "puritan" PETA radicals had vegan mommies, maybe they were not even breast fed as that took advantage of their mothers mammalian breasts and that is really what we do to cows. As kids they only ever ate vegetables, never having enjoyed the juicy goodness of a cheeseburger. They are the pure members and leaders of the revolution to split the bonds between animals and humans.

The next level of PETA radical is the "born agains" whose mothers lips hungrily devoured the flesh of helpless animals as the "born agains" lay in-utero. Once birthed the "born agains" wantonly and eagerly sought the flesh of our animal friends until one day, probably as they were smoking pot in college, they saw the horrors they were reeking on the furry and finned little beasts we share the Earth with and decided to go vegan. But, now the "born agains" are not pure, they have allowed the flesh of animals to pass over their lips and now their very being is polluted with flesh from unjustly killed little furry beasts. The "born agains" can never be pristine! They can believe in their hearts that killing animals for food or clothing is morally corrupt, but they will never have as clean a heart as the "puritan" PETA vegans.

The lowest level of PETA members are the non-vegans, the "meaters". They still eat meat! But, they believe that torturing animals in the name of science or sport is cruel and immoral. They would tell a hunter that shooting a deer to eat is much worse than killing a cow because a cow was "born" to its fate whereas a deer was a free wild creature.

The "meaters" are of course looked down upon for their impure thoughts by both the "puritans" and "born agains" as being barbarians that just cant seem to understand that any use of animals is immoral. The "born agains" are looked down upon by the "puritans" as being unclean, of having once known the depravity of eating animals and of gleefully approving. The "puritans" look down upon them all, they are the higher echelon, the keepers of the true faith, the protectors of the furry little beasties that were put on this Earth to enlighten us, to make our lives more meaningful. They are the pristine spirit that will guide mankind into the future, a future where all animals are free to roam the Good Mother Earth!

The "puritans" would just like to say to the "born agains" and "meaters", please send your checks payable to PETA to:

By Oatmeal Jack, August 1999, Potomac River, MD, USA

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